Seriously Transparent
by Pany-chaan
Summary: Deidara lost his parents as a child too. Deidara was hurt too. Deidara had to deal with the pain too. Still Deidara is so happy, so bright, while Sasori is depressed and sour. Sasori's sick mentally. Deidara's sick physically. Maybe they can find a way to even out? Sasodei AU emotional story
1. Over clear steeples

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, owner of Naruto and Naruto Shippuuden!

**Warnings: ** emo Sasori is emo. Lots of emotions will show up, as we near the end, be carefuuul.

**Author's Note:** This is going to be a very deep, emotional story. I'm warning you. I cried rivers while plotting this... It's all very sad. Anyways, hope you're going to enjoy this!

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Chapter 1: Over clear steeples rose a pale and bitter sun

The soft hand of the blonde male went up to his eyes, brushing away embarassing the tears that were gathering. Damn... He hated when he started to cry without wanting it... "Nhh..." He made a little sad sound, biting his lip while his eyes were closed.

God he was silly... He always began crying when he came here. Each time he visited his parent, it was like he became a little child again after having a nightmare.

He had decided not to cry this time! When he had sat down in the car; _This time, I will not start weeping like a little baby..._

And now, here he was, endless tears streaming down his face as he was sobbing slightly.

If they just hadn't died...

It was all just much lovlier back when he was a little kid...

Sasori stared down at the grave in front of him. Or the _two_ graves to be exact. Or, to be even more exact; the _two_ graves of his _parents_. It didn't really bother him that they were dead anymore, really. He had stopped caring about it after he turned 15. But when he was a kid, he had cryed his face off each time his grandmother took him to the graveyard. But then he had grown tired of showing his emotions. It hurted him to much. He decided to hide them.

Or, almost hide them.

After a while he had realized that no one, not even he could hide his feeling. Or, he could hide them. But not for a very long time. He had to get rid of them, not hide them. If he just hid everything under the mat, the mat would soon rise so much anyone would realize it was dirt under it. It just didn't work out in the end.

But being the stubborn person he was, he had searched until he had found a way to erase the pain, sadness and sorrow withing him. It was much more simple than he had imagined.

After trying drugs, alcohol and sex, he had almost lost hope. Until he found just the right thing.

His best friend from that day and forward. The knife.

Well, he had always gotten calm by sitting down and making puppets. Everything being silent. Just him and no one else.

No one.

He had moved out from home when he had turned 17. Too early? Did he care?

And he had also jumped off school. Not like that really mattered, he had always had the best grades in his class. He swore he knew more than the teachers themselves.  
And he did have a work now. So where were the problems?

Anyways, he never forgot the day when he was sitting there in his room, same expression on his face as always: No expression at all.  
Maybe if his mind had been more concentrated, he hadn't accidentally made the carving tool called 'knife' miss the wood it was supposed to hit. Instead, he had ripped the palm of his hand, drawing blood.

After minutes of staring and thinking, _feeling_, Sasori had thrown away the wood into the wall, yet keeping the knife. His hand shaking with slight fear, he made another cut on the back of his hand, a smile appearing on his lips.

He hadn't smiled in years. Well, that was weird... What could that mean?

...He wanted more. Wanted more of that feeling. It was better than any drug he had ever had. Any sex he had ever had. It was better than anything. Without even realizing, he had actually missed smiling...

He made another cut. Another. One more. Three, four, five, ten, twenty, fourty more. All going up his arm. All deep enough to draw blood. Deep enough to hurt. Like hell. Hurt enough to put that wicked, weird smile on his face.

That creepy smile soon turned into a smirk, the smirk turning into a chuckle and the chuckle turning into a weird, crazy laughter. Why hadn't he done this earlier?

Why the fuck hadn't he realized how good it felt to laugh? And smile, chuckle, just... Happiness! Happiness felt wonderful... It made him feel happy when he hurted himself. He deserved it. And it felt good. To punish himself. To give himself pleasure. No...?

His knife made the biggest travel ever that day. Up his left arm, over his chest, down his right arm. Sasori had finally found the drug that actually worked positively on him (POSITIVE MY ASS).

Without even thinking, without even hesitiating, without the slightest doubt, he undressed to only underwear. The young boy sat down in the middle of the bed, watching the white sheets slowly turn into a color that matched his hair. The whole room soon began catching a smell of iron, which made him laugh even louder.

Down his left leg, up his right leg, drawing lines on his stomach, playing with the tip of the knife inside his navel. Making a deep cut through his right nipple, causing hismelf to moan a bit and still laugh at the same time. Up his neck, not going to deep though. Till he reached his face, and stopped. As did his laughter.

He sat there, silent for a while, just blankly looking forward.

_You have the most perfect face, Sasori-chan..._

Those words suddenly came to him, making his eyes go wideIt felt just like... He had heard his mothers words. Oh, maybe he was going insane... Or maybe it was his mothers ghost? Was she trying to stop him or something? Hahaha, how cute...

He wished she hadn't. He just wished his mother had never existed. He wished she would have died before Sasori had came to life.

He didn't want a perfect face.

To start with, the redhead made a small cut above his eyebrow. And just that was enough to make him want more. And more, and more, and more, more, more, MORE, _MORE_!

A slice on his cheek. Another one making it look like an X.

More, down his chin. Down his other cheek. And almost through his head.

He was just about to pierce it through his head. Until he had began crying. The tears running down like waterfalls, over the slices he had made on his cheek. It burned. Burn. _Just keep on burning, you're doing great. Burn as much as my heart._

He had to resist the urge to go get himself a lemon, just to make all the other slices burn just as much. Just to make it fair. He loved all of his cuts. His lovely cuts. They were his only friends. The only ones that made him feel better. The ones that had made him able to laugh... They were his love of life. He swore he wouldn't let them fade away like his parents had done...

Fuck his parents. Just fuck them to hell.

He only loved the pain and the scars.

The crying had made his mind tired. And the loss of blood had made his body so weak.

He had fainted, face as white as snow, matching the bed sheets.

Or, once they had. Well, at least the rest of his body that was covered in blood matched the sheets. That was positive, right?

Sasori grew isolated sooner than he could have guessed. Before he knew it, his whole world had turned into a black, dark never ending hell.

The only reason why he actually stayed alive was... Well... Nothing. If you really wanted him to give you a reason, he would say that the pain was keeping him up. He didn't want to leave his precious pain, he had swore on that. It was a promise... He would not leave the only thing in the world that could cheer him up.

Yeah... Cheer him up...

Without even realizing it, Sasori's way of dressing, way of acting, the music he listened to... Everything had suddenly turned the same color as his life.

Now, what did people call it? Emo?

Well, he didn't give a shit about what they called it. It didn't matter. He didn't understand why the hell it was called 'style' or whatever. He listened to whatever he wanted to, picked whatever clothes he wanted and acted however he wanted. And he didn't care if people saw all the scars and cuts on him. He didn't care when he got those weird looks wherever he went. He didn't care if everyone thought it was disgusting that he had a piercing on his tongue and lip. One through his ear and on his deeply scarred nipple. He really couldn't care any less.

Besides, his knife could make it up to him later when he got home. Each day. Like his own personal wife. Just not as annoying as a wife.

Oh, no, Sasori hated girls. The girls were the ones who gave him the weirdest looks.

Even if Sasori grew up to be like this, he continued to visit his parents. Once each month, never missed it. The same date, the same time.

He didn't even know why...

And that was when he, today, decided this should definitely be the last time. So for the first time he bought some flowers to take with him.

The weather was just as his day; Dull, gray, cloudy. Not even a glimpse of sunshine. Nowhere...  
But then again, even if the day would have been sunny, it would have been dark and boring in Sasori's eyes.

The redhead had thrown down the shit called flowers, just staring down at the graves blankly. His ears heard nothing. He didn't see anything. He just stared.

He couldn't hear the other families, people around, at other places of the graveyard, praying or doing what the fuck ever. He couldn't see them either. Not only because they were far away, also because... Well he simply didn't want to. He didn't see people he didn't want to see.

They were transparent in his eyes.

And guess what? He didn't want to see anyone.

So he didn't. He was simply the only one existing in his eyes. And his knife of course...

It was all just pure silence in his ears. Wonderful, beautiful, pretty, georgeous, great, nice, lovely sil-

-ence?

Silence?

...

Did he just hear a sob?

Sasori was very irritated over the fact that he had been cut off in the middle of his pointless staring session by some person or whatever that had decided to come cry just a tiny bit too near him. But then again, usually, Sasori didn't even hear people that were standing next to him. How come he was hearing this sound of crying.

And damn, it felt pain-_ almost_painful to hear. It felt like someone pierced a fork through his heart, turning it around without even bothering to take it out.

No... What the hell!? Why was the sounds of some stranger crying making him vulner- _almost_vulnerable!? For gods sake, he had to make it stop... Where was that sound coming from anyways...?

He would make sure to turn it to pure silence. Just as everything else.

Sasori turned his head left and right, searching for any crying creature. It sounded a lot like a male one, but you never knew.

He was disappointed to see no one. His eyes met no one that was falling any tears. Or, there were some people left, who were crying, but it wasn't them... They weren't the one he was heari-

"M-mum... Dad... W-w-wh-y did you have to l-leave me, uh-n?"

Ha. Hahaha! He could have seriously began laughing... Was it the death of the guys parents that was causing him to cry like this? Pfft, ridiculous. Sasori was not amused.

It reminded... Reminded him of himself when he was a kid...

No, wait, never mind that thought. Just... Aah, this was so damn frustrating! Who the hell was making these thoughts gather up in his mind?! Sasori turned around, a glare forming in his eyes. _I swear I will kill-_

...

A man? Are you joking?

Or... Maybe it was a girl? Or it sounded like a man... Oh, oh, Sasori wanted to find out?

And before he knew it, the glare had been thrown away into thin air.

Who was it? Long, blonde, sun-kissed hair, that almost seemed to be shining in the sun-light.

W-wait a minute... There was no sunlight.

Then why... Had Sasori seen sunlight? He swore he had... No... He just... Thought he had felt like it had been a perfect sunny day- Sunny days weren't perfect! Ooh, what was wrong with his brain today! He knew he shouldn't have came to visit his parents! He always began feeling so weird when he did!

Just... Just- "Shut the_ fuck_up!"

Deidara cut off his crying when he heard a pretty beautiful voice behind him, making him turn around. Did he just tell him to fuck off? What...? B-but why? What had he done? Maybe he had heard wron- Ooh, stylish! What was it, gothic, punk, emo? Deidara couldn't really tell the difference but that was some cool clothes... "W-what, un?" He sniffed, eyes-brows rised in confusion, and his voice confused as well. Whole him.

Brown eyes just stared at the face of the male for a while, quickly analyzing everything. Just like any other usual person, nothing special really... Okay, maybe that long blonde hair-style was a bit- And those weird, lovely, perfect ocean-blue eyes and... Pretty lips, seeming so soft, cheeks a bit red in obvious ebarrassment, and-

Oh god... WHAT was he thinking!? What the _fuck_was he thinking!?

... Why was he seeing him? Haha, maybe he was an angel... Well, he looked like one but-

_AAH JUST STOP!_

Deidara just stared at the redheaded man that who was looking very frustrated and slightly stunned. Oh my god, was that real red hair? Shit... He wanted to ask... No wait, he couldn't do that, the redhead hadn't even said anything ye-  
"Would you-" Sasori cutted off the rest of his sentence. Somehing just told him to do that, and just... God, this was the weirdest thing that had happened to his mind in years, but whatever... "Why are you crying...?" He asked in a mono-tone, face softening up, not looking as frustrated and irritated anymore.

Wait... Why the hell had he asked that?

First of all, he already knew why he was crying. It was some death of his parents, so? Who's parents weren't dead nowadays?

And second, ...

...

Why was he talking to him and not making him disappear?

"Oh, sorry, did I b-bother you, un?" A small smile formed on the blondes lips after he chuckled a bit, scratching the back of his head in slight embarrassment. "I told myself not to cry when I came here today, but it's just, the death of my parents hurt me a lot when I was a kid... I just felt such pain and... I kind of get really emotional when I think about it... I'm really sorry, un, I'll wait for you to go first if I see you here again, un.~"

If Sasori wouldn't have been a master at keeping a poker-face, he would have gaped. Gaped and rosen a brow, stared at the blonde like he was a... Something.

Just... What?

Just what was wrong with him?

Just what part of 'shut the fuck up' did he not understand?! Oh, wait a minute... Sasori was the one who had made him talk... About what he had said... How the hell was he able to talk with such ease about the fact that his parents were dead? Sasori didn't know anyone else but himself that could do that... What was wrong with that bitch... Wait... Why wasn't he retorting? Like, I mean, Sasori had told him to fuck off, right? Or, he hadn't really told him that... Just inderectly... But still, why was the blonde acting so... So... Nice?

_And above all..._

Why did Sasori like it?

Why the fuck was he feeling like... He wanted more?

"I really don't care, brat, but you better shut up when I tell you to, next time, or I'l-"

"H-hey, un, sorry to interrupt you and all but... Is that like, real red hair? Or did you color it? It looks so damn real but -aaah I've never, _ever_seen anyone with that hair-color before! It's blood red! Not orange, but actually red, un! S-sorry you d-don't have to answer... Ehehe..."

Staring as the blonde made a little chuckle, face blushing up in shame, Sasori couldn't help but smirk a bit at that comm- NO, HELL NO.

-He was not answering.  
-He would act like he hadn't heard that.  
-He would not smirk.  
-He would not show any emotion, face... Face... What was it called? Face motion? Facial motions?  
-He would_ NOT _CARE.

Damn it, he should just walk away from there already... Just get away fromt the happy little blonde creature- Okay, he seemed to be just as tall as himself, but still... And...

God, he had never seen _anyone_speak with such passion. Every word that came out of the blonde's mouth seemed to be jumping around happily, his face showing a bunch of different emotions and... Stuff while he talked, and... His whole body...

Speaking of the blonde's body, he looked really attractive... Slim, perfect figure, flawless skin... He was more beautiful than any puppet Sasori had ever made... He was just... Completely...

NO...

_No._

NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO NONONONONO!

"N-no!"

Deidara tilted his head, pouting. "Damn, I knew it! Sorry, it just looked so real, I had to ask..."

No... Wait, what? What was he talking about! That was his real hair-color for devils sake! "I mean, yes, it is my real hair-color, what about it?!" Wait, why was he being so impolite to the nice, sunny blonde? That wasn't nic-

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE IMPOL- Just stop it... What was going on with his brain!? It was like...

That blonde. He was doing something to him that drove him mad.

He was...

Acting like the world was a good place. But why? Hadn't he lost his parents? Now, Sasori didn't know if the story of the brat losing his parents was as sad and horrible as his own, but still...

"OH MY GOD! Really? Noooo, are you joking? Damn, that is so cool! Ah, haha, sorry, I'm Katsuhiko Deidara by the way!~"

So far, what had stunned Sasori the most was why Deidara wasn't... Looking at him like he was different from the others. He was even making a try to shake hands with him. Wasn't that what you did when you were trying to make conatact or something like that? Pfft, it wasn't like he was going to take the blonde's stupid hand and actually-

"Akasuna no Sasori."

Automatically Sasori's hand flew up, shaking the blonde's-

Okay, he was definitely going straight home. He did _not_know what was happening to him, but he did no longer want to find out. He-

"Sasori? Ooh, great! I can't believe I never met you before, I mean, I've always been visiting here and stuff, un..."

-He-

WHAT WAS IT WITH THOSE UN'S!?

They were so irritatingly _adorable_.

... Nope. No, they weren't. Sasori just decided that, that's right.

"Really, well, same here."

"M-may I ask who you're visiting... Un? Y-you really don't ave to answer if you don't want to, just ignore me and my questions, ahaha..."

_Oh, I really wish I could..._Deidara or whatever, had no idea what the redhead was going through in this WEIRD conservation... It was like he was getting brain-raped.

But seriously, each time he tried to look away...

It was like his eyes were locked with the blondes. Something happened inside him when he was... Oh god, seriously? This wasn't even near serious! The guy was a complete stranger!

How? Just how could he talk so easily about everything with Sasori...?

The thing that was concerning Sasori the most was that Deidara wasn't looking at him like he had was weird. He was giving him the most happy, usual look ever.

Sasori had never ever earned a look like that after he turned fifteen. It felt... Sort of good... But...

"I..." Sasori began, clenching his fists hard. He wouldn't take more of this... He just wanted to erase the blonde, like he could erase all of the other people. But it was just impossible... This had never happened to him before... This was just... Disgusting...

"I have to go now."

He finally managed to push through his mouth, turning sideways and leaving, picking up his box of cigarettes as he walked down the path. He looked up at the sky, deep in thought. But then he realized something.

It was sunny. The sun was shining very brightly, and the sky was bluer than ever before.

Everything was just perfect.

And that's when he realized... It had been sunny all day long.

"Ah, damn, maybe I offended him... Or something..." Dediara mumbled to himself, sighing. He was such an idiot... "Okay! Buy bye, Sasori-san!" Deidara yelled after the redhead, waving even though he knew Sasori couldn't see him.

Sasori just raised his hand, holding it out to the side and waving a bit, as a sign that he had heard and was just saying goodbye as well.

_Oh god. Wait. He/I waved back!?_

Both males thought that at the same time. Deidara because he took that as a sign that Sasori hadn't really gotten hurt, and Sasori because he couldn't believe he was acting like this. Like that. Like so wrong.

Deidara smiled and looked back at the graves of his parents. "Hehe, I made another friend today, un~ Aren't you guys proud of me?" He closed his eyes, smiling yet sighing. The wind flew by, cooling everything off. It all felt wonderful... "Oh well, I think I'll go now... I..." Deidara opened his eyes, a frown forming on his lips.

He had swore he would never come back here again. He had decided that this would be the last time. Because each time he had visited his parents, he had just began acting like a little crybaby... And he didn't understand why he should put himself through that, once each month, on the same day. Actually, he was supposed to come here yesterday, like always, but he had been kind of... Scared...

He was kind of silly... Ha, he should learn by Sasori. He was like totally cold. Not even a tear was on his face. Really... Nothing was on his face. Well, besides piercing and some weird cuts and scars. He guessed the redhead had been through some sort of accident... But...

Out of pure curiousity, Deidara turned over, reading the names on the graves that Sasori had been visiting.

Oh? Oh. Oh...

... Ahaha, wasn't that just ironic? They had both been visiting their parents...  
Hey, what if Sasori was just like him?

What if he visited his parents once a month, on the same date? This date?

Cool... He had to find out...

And if it was true... He would continue to visit his parents.~

Because, for some reason, when Sasori had started talking to him, Deidara's sadness had all been wiped away.

So why not take advantage of that?


	2. Traffic crawls

**Disclaimer:** Characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, owner of Naruto and Naruto Shippuuden!

**Warnings: **AU. Emotional story. Self-harm and shit like that

**Author's Note:** I'm glad ppl like this! First chapter was kinda fluffy xD Well, enjoy the fluffiness while you can! The drama arrives at chapter 10 or something... I'll see how long this FFC turns out, haven't planned it all out yet! But the story is quite sad, I'll tell you that! And that probably means it's not going to be short c;

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Chapter 2: Traffic crawl like cockroaches in the moonlight

Seven days.

_One whole week_ after the redhead had seen the blonde, he hadn't touched his knife to cut himself. Not even a single droplet of blood had left his body. _Nothing._

And for some weird, good reason, he hadn't even felt depressed. Sure, he felt dark, but come on, he always felt dark.

There was one thing that felt weird to him though...

Sasori had thought a bit about... The new person he had met. He had thought about him non-stop the two days that followed after the day he had met him.

And the thing that was weird was that on the third day... The weather had made the biggest change ever.

Everything had suddenly been colored in dull and horrible colors.

And for once, it felt so wrong.

It was all very creepy to him... What was it? Was it that little blonde creatures fault? Oh, come on, why would he even have anything to do with the weather? Pfft, Sasori didn't even care about him. Or something.

But...

It would be a bit- _JUST A LITTLE TINY WINY BIT_nice to talk to him again...

And just a tiny winy bit nice to hear his voice filled with such passion and happiness again...

And just a bit nice to see his beautiful eyes shining like that in the sunlight that he took with him wherever he went.

And just... And just... Very damn wonderful to get a taste of that smile of his. That... That... That...

He couldn't express how it felt to watch him smile. No, not to watch him smile... To actually be the one receiving such a smile... It was... Sure, Sasori was horrible with handling emotions and so on, but... He was probably not the only one who couldn't explain how tha- Not the only one... Right...

Why did it disturb Sasori so much... That Deidara probably knew so many people?

That he had probably given that smile to... Many, _many_people before him...

It disturbed him that Deidara probably didn't even remember the redhead. And it scared him that if Sasori would check the blonde's facebook-profile, he would maybe have over 1000 friends... At least he seemed like one of those persons who-

Why was he having these thoughts?!

Stupid brain.

Stupid blonde... Next time he met him, he would definitely tell him to stop being so annoy-

Who said Sasori would ever meet him again?

That thought finally reached Sasori, and he understood...

He missed Deidara. He was missing someone... And it was not his parents.

He never missed his parents. He didn't even think about them. He missed Deidara. And he was thinking about Deidara. A lot. Without barely noticing it.

He missed the cheerfulness the blonde carried with him. He missed the moment he had tasted that cheerfulness...

After two days, Sasori had began to miss the only living creature that had smiled at him in an angel-like way after years.

After two days the weather had changed. In Sasori's eyes. Or, the weather, in Sasori's _world_.

He wanted to take a peek at Deidara's world...

Now, it had passed one week.

Seven days.

_One whole week_after the redhead had seen the blonde, he hadn't touched his knife to cut himself. Not even a single droplet of blood had left his body.

And for some weird, stupid reason, he found his lust to hurt himself again.

It wasn't his fault. Right? No, no, not at all. He was pretty much blind. Deaf. And the only sound that could come out of his mouth was crazy, insane laughters. Or just small chuckles. Or pain-filled cries, but that was only when he was asleep.

No, we can't blame Sasori. Our Sasori was just... Frustrated, after all. It wasn't his fault.

It was his toilets fault. This time.

And the innocent sink. The sound of running water, fogging up his mind.

Yes.

Sasori had just came out from the shower, a towel wrapped around him, starting at his waist an going down to his knees. If it wasn't for his two friends he would have felt lonely. But luckily, the silence and the razor-blade were both keeping him company.

The razor-blade... He hadn't called him these last months. Neither had he visited him. How sweet of the razor-blade to come visit him instead. He sure was a _True friends_.

_True friends..._

That's what they were. Sasori and his razor-blade. His knife, his needles, his- _All_of his sharp, pretty friends.

The redhead had seen the sharp razor-blade in the white, clean sink, just lying there, all alone by himself. Hm, maybe he wanted to join Sasori and the silence?

_Maybe..._

"Hello." He greeted the sharp rectangle formed thing, picking it up with his thumb and his index finger. "How are you?" He smiled a bit, holding it up in front of his eyes, the lights in the room making it shine brightly.

_Lon-_

Lonel-

Lonel-

Sasori...

Lone...

Lonel-

"... Lonely?" Sasori asked the razor-blade, frowning.

But... Was he really asking the blade's voice? Or were those voices he could hear only his own imagination? Was he talking to himself? Talking to his mind? His fucked up mind?

"I'm sorry... I don't know why I haven't been using any of you lately... I've just felt a bit... What's it called...?" The redhead looked down, like he was in shame, and thinking. "Happy? Is that what they call it...? Oh, well... I'm so selfish... I..."

Obviously, it was just pure fantasy...

The manly voice dropped into whispers, going; "I'm so sorry..."

And then, the brown eyes met the sight of his wrist.

And he got a wonderful idea.

Or, it was more of a... Conclusion. A contemplation. A bunch of 'smart' thoughts.

All just caused by a simple little sentence that reached his mind. In an instant when he saw the razor-blade in his left hand, so close to the wrist of his right hand. Both in the sink.

_Why am I alive?_

It made very much sense to him...

What was he living for? What did he have? What was the sunshine in his life?

Seriously, to be honest, Sasori hadn't even seen a single glimpse of sunshine after he had turned fifteen. Nothing. That was all he had. He had nothing. He was nothing. Which made his life nothing.

So, he didn't have a life. And if he didn't have a life... Why was he living it? It was like living in an empty room without dying because of lack of food.

It was so weird. Why hadn't he just ended his misery earlier? Why hadn't he just realized that he seriously couldn't keep the pain as a reason to why he was alive. He couldn't. He just _couldn't_ and he didn't _want to_. He didn't want to be a true friend.

It wasn't worth it. It wasn't giving him the sunshine he deserved.

He would end that.

He would end this.

Screw it all... Everyone. The knife and the razor-blade, everything. No, wait... _Nothing_.

And besides, no one would mind if he died today. No one would even realize. He would probably be there in years until Hidan or Kakuzu came to visit him and saw his rotten body lying on the toilet, dried blood everywhere, and insects and stuff on his body.

God, the bare thought was...

So beautiful...

Okay. If his knife couldn't give him sunshine... If his friends couldn't give him the happiness... He would try it this way and see if, maybe, hopefully, he would have a glimpse of sunshine.

Kakuzu and Hidan wouldn't mind, right... They both also hurt themselves. Obviously the reason why Sasori could take contact with them, they were like himself. Although they didn't understand Sasori's deeper feelings, they didn't mind how he dressed up or acted. But those two were not enough reason for Sasori to live. Because they both had each other. They both loved each other... And Sasori always wondered... When he looked at the two of them, kissing, holding each other, being near, talking... Why could they share such happiness with each other... And not Sasori?

What was the difference?

Kakuzu loved Hidan. Hidan loved Kakuzu.

Sasori loved his knife. The knife loved Sasori.

_The_knife... The knife...

Kakuzu and Hidan could share love, happiness, s- They both saw that beautiful, drug-like sun...

But Sasori and his knife... No matter how much fun they had... No matter how much they laughed, there was still that _nothing_left.

He might as well end their relation-ship, right?

_I'm sorry..._

He had to. There was no point with this. It was going nowhere.

If he was going to nowhere, and if he was walking nowhere, and if he had started nowhere... Why was he even going there at all? Why was he even walking at all? Why had he started at all?!

He might as well end his trip a bit faster. It wasn't like he would live much longer anyways. He was a smoker, he hurt himself, loosing massive blood amounts a few times a month. Or, he did loose blood everyday. But there were parts of the month, special days when his brain was the most confused. When it was more frustrated than before. That was when he just lost it and hurt himself really badly.

But it felt good.

He hadn't felt such pleasure in seven days, and it was making him crazy inside. He did not understand why. Not at all. He just wanted to have a big bunch of pleasure at once.

And the price of having that much pleasure... The price he had to pay was his life.

"It doesn't matter anymore." The whimpers and whines going through the room stopped. The sound of Sasori whispering to the razor-blade; _'I'm sorry'_, it all stopped. And made a sudden U-turn.

"It's over."

Without hesitation, the redhead made the sharp blade collide with his wrist, pushing it to where his important veins were. He giggled a bit, feeling the tickling pain already. Desperate for more, he pushed the blade closer to his veins, and before he knew it, it had passed his skin. He began laughing at the pain; People didn't know what they were talking about, death wasn't terrible at all. It was pure, wonderful pleasure. And it gave Sasori such great satisfaction.

It might not be sunshine, but it was something close to it. Yet very very far away from it. Or was it?

Sasori looked at his right hand, watching it shaking, trying to remember the beautiful red color that was running down from where he had cut himself, the blood running down in the sink. Sheesh, white and red fitted so well together...

Red was simply the best color.

Red like his hair. And black, like his world. Grey and dull like the weather and dead and brown like his eyes. Not like that stupid ridiculous sunshine, who needed it anyways!? No one! No one wanted it and no one had it! If Sasori had believed in angels, he would have said angels would have that sunshine... That weird sort of happiness... That they brought with them wherever they went. And even thought the only pictures humans had of angels were simple paintings, made by themselves... Sasori thought they were simply beautiful. He had made a puppet once, wanting it to look like and angel.

These thoughts just made him laugh louder, eyes closing. Great, he was thinking about some angel puppet now when he was just going to die. Seriously, wasn't he supposed to, like, pray or... Be sad or something like that? Instead of laughing and thinking about angels? He didn't even believe in angels! Haha, it was all just making him laugh like mad. Which he was. Mad.

Oh, it had took him long time to get done with that puppet... And he hadn't even been satisfied in the end. It was a pretty puppet though, he had to admit. Made of perfect wood and perfect material. The thing that took him the longest time to add were the eyes though. He spent hours searching on Internet for the perfect eyes to order, but not a single one had matched the eyes that he had been imagining in his head. He had the picture in his mind, just couldn't find the real thing.

Eventually he had found the perfect thing though. The perfect eyes. Those perfect eyes.

They shone like real, polished sapphires, wonderfully detailed... Those perfect lines going all way around the iris, making it look like a real pair of eyes. They were so blue. And there was something special about them that Sasori loved. In the bright sun, the eyes twinkled like crazy. But in the dark, they were almost grey. And dull. And boring. Not as interesting and attractive as when they were in the light of nature.

Sasori laughed harder; A pair of hand-made glass eyes. That was what he was thinking about right before he was going to die. The fuck... He really was stupid. He should just end this right away.

The sounds made a sudden change, laughter turning into loud moans when he twisted and turned the razor-blade inside his waist, pulling it deeper and deeper, soon ripping his veins.

_Now when he thought about it, those eyes kind of reminded him of the blue, prefect, hypnotizing eyes of that blonde-_

As soon as Sasori's mind made a picture of Deidara appear in front of his eyes, he screamed.

He screamed like crazy. Like mad. And without being able to control himself, he threw the razor-blade away, letting it hit the wall. Just on pure reaction, he did this, panting heavily and groaning.

_What the fucking hell was going on...?_His thoughts went as he made his fore-head smash into the mirror, hard. Fuck. What was this...!? Why was he feeling this weird...

_Pain?_

Why was it hurting? Why had it started to hurt him so badly!? This was just... Creepy.

All of the pain that had felt like pleasure... Had began hurting him.

Right there, when the thought of that blonde person had reached him.

Oh fuck. He didn't have time to think about that right now... He was bleeding so much. He had to stop it-

_NO! FUCK NO!_WHY HAD HE EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT STOPPING THE BLEEDING?

_What?_Did he want to stay alive? Or something...?

Oh god... He really didn't understand any of this crap. Why was he suddenly feeling pain in this horrible way? Why had he started feeling that was _right_, after Deidara had visited his mind? Why? And why was he having this weird urge to stop the serious bleeding? Why didn't he want to die? Why!?

Everything was so frustrating... Fuck, he wished he would have used a gun instead. That way he wouldn't have began thinking about fucking angels and... Deidara... Deidara's beautiful eyes... It was like they were inviting Sasori. Somewhere. Something.

But, there were some things not even Sasori could understand.

He tried to ignore the pain. Tried to keep his groans and yells of pain away from passing through his mouth. Tried to keep himself away from putting his left hand around his right wrist. Not push his fore-head so hard into the mirror. Not think about... Deidara.

Deidara was doing weird things to his world. He was infecting it. He was... He was beautiful.

Hah, this was ridiculous... Was a stupid little blonde stranger the reason why Sasori should live? Huh?

A stupid little annoying blonde who was his total opposite. Not only him, but his world too. What? Was Deidara trying to tell Sasori that his own world was better than Sasori's? Pfft. Yeah right.

Right...

_Right..._

A sudden image of black appearing in front of the redheads eyes, he snapped out of his thoughts, looking down at his hands. Well.

Here he was.

If he wanted to save himself... He had to do it now. Everything around him was definitely spinning, and he didn't even find energy enough to make any loud sounds. Only bare whimpers and whines...

But for what?...

He was so scared... Yes, he had to admit...

For once, he was scared of the pain. He was scared of himself and his world. Everything.

He was scared he would regret saving himself.

"What... Am I... Worth to you...?" He whispered in a low tone to... No one. Anyone. He had no idea...

Deidara?

Maybe?

Biting his lip, Sasori finally reached down with his left hand, grabbing his towel with the little amount of power he had left. His shaking hand managed to pull it up and wrap it around his right wrist. When the redhead finally wrapped the whole towel around his wrist, he reached his head down, grabbing one of the towels corners with his teeth, the other corner in his left wrist. After going through a problematic bunch of minutes, Sasori finally managed to make a hard, firm knot. When this was done, he sighed, and felt how his unsteady legs gave up and made him fall down on the tiled floor.

It was so cold. Everywhere.

The floor.

The air.

The world.

His heart.

After sitting there for one and a half hour, Sasori opened his closed eyes, looking straight forward. His heart beating in a fast pace, he bit his lip, feeling this weird, odd feeling in his throat... It was like he wanted to vomit... No. No, he didn't want to vomit. He didn't _need_to vomit.

He needed to _cry_.

And he did. He felt how the warm tears walked down his face quickly, like they were going to run forever. It was all so weird to him, and he felt like a little five-year old kid. Desperate for someone to just comfort him... For once he felt like he needed someone. And for once he had felt like someone could be a reason to why he should live.

That blonde. He was making this to him. He was the one who was making him feel the pain this way...

Maybe... Maybe the pain he was feeling right now... Was how pain felt in Deidara's world? And in the reality.

In reality maybe the knife and the razor-blade weren't his friends.

Maybe Sasori just wanted it to be that way.

_Maybe_having no one was hurting him?

Maybe having no one that knew what happiness felt like was... Hurting him?

Maybe it had always hurt him? And Sasori had just been to blind to understand...?

He had wanted to see those smiles more. More of that happiness. He wanted more of it.

He-

Got an idea.

And made a decision to accept his idea.

He would go back. Same date, same time, next month.

Even if he would have to wait three weeks, 23 days, 552 hours, 33120 minutes, 1987200 seconds, he wanted to see him. The beautiful blonde hair, the gentle, warm smile and those sapphire-like eyes.

He wanted to see it all. And say goodbye to it.

There was no doubt about it; He couldn't keep on living like this. He simply couldn't. Couldn't have Deidara keeping him away from hurting himself... Couldn't let that pretty blonde take away his only source of pleasure and bare 'happiness'- _WHATEVER_it was! He needed it. And if he so would have to erase a stranger from his mind, he would do so. It didn't matter if it was ridiculous as hell, or if it didn't make sense at all. It did seriously not matter at all, and Sasori was way too tired to think about it more than he already had.

If a beautiful fallen angel was his problem, he would deal with it.

Yeah, _whatever_was his problem, he would deal with it.

Let it be whatever. Somehow, he would get over it... And after that, nothing would be able to stop him from erasing himself too.

The redhead made a small smile, sighing and looking up at the ceiling.

What if Deidara wasn't there? He had no idea if Deidara would be there the day Sasori had decided to go back to the graveyard... Maybe he should go check everyday?... But no, he wasn't really in the condition to make himself that tired... It just didn't work out in his life-scheme. Visiting those two horrible tombs of his parents, that many times, just walking around in desperate search for someone he had only met once in his whole, pointless life. It didn't work out.

He had to try it. Next month. He would go visit the graveyard.

And if- No, _when_ he found Deidara he would kill hi- No, _hold on a second_, what the fuck was that!?

He wasn't going to kill him! Pfft! That wasn't what he meant when he said he wanted to erase him. He just wanted to erase him from his mind. Simply take a talk with him, tell him to just... Keep away. Or something. And just say goodbye.

But then again... The sound of killing him, _completely making him vanish_didn't sound so bad either.

A loud sob escaped the redhead, and his smashed his head back, hard, making it collide with the wall.

_Who am I kidding?_

None of those thoughts were the true reason why he should go back... There was only one real reason...

The most weird reason ever... Sasori didn't understand it, but he knew it was true. And all these things he was going through was because he was having such a hard time accepting it. Accepting the fact that...

He liked the blonde. He missed him. And he wanted to see him again.

He liked that sunshine he had seen.

No... No, he _loved _it. It was better than any pain he had gone through...

He had been wrong; He had seen sunshine... The three days after he met Deidara. And that day they had talked. Everything had shone up. Everything had became so clear...

Almost like now...

The weird thing was just; _HOW THE HELL_could he do that!? Him?! A stranger...!

_The most beautiful stranger ev-_

And with that, his body finally shut off the lights, making him fall down on the ice cold floor. The tiles being white, just as his face. The blood was red, just like his hair.

Seven days.

_One whole week_ after the redhead had seen the blonde, he had used his razor-blade to take his own life. Lots of blood had left his body. _Something_

And for some fucking ridiculous reason, he felt fucked up like fucking hell. Sure, he felt dark, but he never felt sunshine. It was like his world was on a sick, never-ending roller-coaster. **_He wanted-_**

No, it doesn't make sense at all. Cut this off. _Now._

**_He wanted his blonde stop-button._**


End file.
